January 16, 2019


- So, I have to ask you, when are you at your most insecure?

- At communication breaks. When I don't know anymore, which laws apply, if any. 
And naturally, it would be these breaks that involved an obvious demand for a seamless
response. And I tend to freeze instead. 

- Does that happen often? I mean, give me a typical scenario.

- When sudden changes from previous time of contact occur. In my experience, the 
tendency for that is particularly strong in romantic relationships. It's the volatility involved. 
With wider emotional range comes more obscurity. Perhaps it's just an illusion, but I'd prefer, 
that being sentimentally attached didn't come at the expense of being coherent.

- Yeah, but you cannot make clear-cut sense of everything. Such as, let say, your preferences. 

- Roughly speaking, I beg to differ. Granted, I may be the odd nail sticking out, but I'd say 
it's quite possible. Even recommendable.

- Oh really. Well, come on, then. Make some sense to me about the preferences you have for, 
say, male appearance.

- That has got to be the easiest task anyone's ever laid out for me. And here I was 
looking forward to a fruitful discussion with you. Think it through next time, will you.

- Enough with the gloating already. Let's hear it.

- I cannot help myself. Let's just allow that ridiculously simple question linger around a little 
more. Very indulging. Please remind me not to let you ever get off so easily.

- You're impossible. No wonder you're single. 

- Truer words were never spoken. Ok, here goes. Man's frame: practically bigger and stronger 
than mine. Why? Recognizing myself as the weaker sex, I have both an innate and a logical 
aim at making choices, which increase my sense of safety. That's my input to the ever-dwelling 
debate about male size - regardless of which precise object is in question.

- And which precise objects are in question?

- Oh my. Who could've predicted that question to pop out. You must be the standard item of 
male specimen.

- Haha, yeah, too bad there's no stock market for advanced knowledge like that. You know, you 
need not dig deep into the revealing history of male psychology to figure out why that is. Now 
can we get on with the subject, please? 

- Well, all prominent parts, with the exception of mammary glands. Fondness for man's face 
is important for the same reason anything often looked at is preferred symmetric and pleasing. 
If one aims at as long-term a commitment as possible, that is.

- And do you have preferences concerning hair- or eye color?

- I do, but in no more specific terms than being preferably different from mine. I'm encoded to 
find differences of varying scale in a man, involving appearance issues, as well. Now, if you 
found gaps of coherence, please let me know.

- We're not done yet. Do you mind tattoos, piercings, the lot?

- I do mind, actually. Not categorically, but more often than not. And not primarily due to 
poor aesthetics, but because of the risks they impose on skin health. A desire to take that 
risk may indicate a train of thought too distant from the set of values I myself have regarding 
health. And that is a subject, where alignment is of utmost importance. 

- Ok. I give up.

- How about you? Define the limits of your cosmetic female attachment.

- Well, whatever looks good, is fine by me.

- Tattoos? Dramatic hairdos? Revealing necklines at work? Weekly selfies circulated through 
the social media with exposing takes on the butt- or chest-area? Or how about a biology major, 
doing her grocery shopping with religious avoidance of make-up, meanwhile strolling with binoculars and hiking boots?

- Quite the range you're offering. 

- I take pleasure in the provoking art of framing my questions as lopsidedly as possible.

- I don't know. Well, tattoos depend on whether or not they fit the personality. Revealing specs, 
well sure, to an extent, that's her personal choice. Exposure in the media, well, it may be counterproductive to meddle with that, too, if it happens to be something, that rocks her boat. 
A biology major, why not, if she's a full package overall. 

Take any special boost when other men are gawping at your girl?

- Hmm. Well, throughout centuries, women have gathered attention - and seen quite the 
trouble in succeeding in it, as well. Take high-heels, for example. Sure, they are sexy, and tend 
to get noticed by all men. And well, I do get a temporary pleasure of being out with someone, 
who takes the focus. But to scale it, it's a sip or two of whisky at most, not a bottle of 
single-malt enjoyed with time, for sure. 

- And what if the girl is fundamentally religious? I mean, appearance-wise absolutely stunning, 
but a devout religious believer, eager to spread the word?

- Why would that bother me? If she'd be an absolute sweetheart at home, I guess I could live 
with that.

- You wouldn't mind religion being an argument in your relationship - like a third party involved? 
As it tends to have certain opinions laid out.

- If it got to that, nah. I'd just snap her out of it. I'd simply point out the outrageous controversies 
in the Bible, and voilà. She'd be a full-on atheist from thereon.

- Did the deep history of male psychology happen to mention anything about over-confidence 
in front of a miraculously difficult task? Topped off with an obscene tendency to over-simplify?

- Never said a word about it. Doesn't exist. Now look who's asking the most useless question 
in the history of uselessness. 

- Oh, what an absolutely marvelous theme that would be for a book: the history of uselessness. 
I'd buy one immediately. 

- Buy one? You'd get one for free, since there'd be an entire chapter of your questions as 
an exemplifying case report.

- Cute. Have you had any friends for more than five minutes? I mean, friends who would go
as far as publicly admitting to knowing you? Which, in your case, would really be a 
stretch. Off-hand sounds like the designated gesture of social bankruptcy.

- Probably not. I'm sure it's only because of my rare masculinity, that's making women 
breathless of admiration, and lads speechless of envy. 

- The spitting image of humble right there.  

- You take immense pleasure in crafting insults, don't you. 

- It doesn't get any better than that. As if you yourself were completely unfamiliar with 
the art.

- Never crossed my mind. 

- Too bad you don't have any friends to run to. Instead, you're stuck here with me. 

- Yeah. We do this long enough and I'll become a chapter in the book as well as a 
local village idiot, who didn't know better.

- Wow, you know that sounded a bit like a compliment. Sure, flat like hell, and 
half-assed at most, but still. I'm almost impressed. 

- Make a barely recognizable admission, and the woman is already a snob. 
Didn't take too long. 

- Only a sip or two of whisky. 

January 14, 2019


- What do you think about romantic relationships, generally?

- They're unnecessarily problematic.

- How so?

- As long as either partner is primarily seeking a source for constant praise, I've never understood how they manage to find genuine affection from the mix. Being inconveniently butt-hurt after someone just massively outsmarted me is much more fun and useful than constant praise inviting all the excuses whathaveyou, to ignore criticism and red-flags.

- So outwitted rather than adored?

- Definitely. Adoration has no meaningful process in it- it just is. Trying to find people, with whom you're the dumbest in the room, now there's something to actually work on. Basically, it's a question of whether you want your adoration right now, or later. Being outwitted leads to adoration, and in my experience, of quite persistent sort at that.

- That would seriously complicate mating.

- Define complicated in this context.

- True, not easy. I guess what this boils down to is that finding adoration for oneself is easier than testing all the boundaries and characteristics of the other's frame of mind.

- Well, what were you planning to do in the relationship? Communicate much? Not that I 
wouldn't take immense pleasure in wild exchanges of platitudes. Just not solely.

- You know, I'm not so sure women generally light up by being outsmarted. They basically want to seduce by their presence, and make an impression. And men like that. And then they just decide that they want to be seduced by each other chronically, and get involved.

- Seduce to what end?

- To feel better than by being themselves, I guess. To have some use for their pheromones.

- Matters of taste are difficult to debate. Ever been seduced by a woman because of her wits?

- Never independently of her looks.

- So the wits part, unnecessary?

- I don't know. More like an irregular happenstance. Or maybe I'm just hanging out in the 
wrong circles. In any case, was I to put that on the top of my list, I think I'd be looking for 
a partner a really long time.

- And are you in a hurry?

- Well, not exactly, but I guess I assume to be occasionally paid off by my efforts. 

- So apparently, mating is a combination of patience, plus the very list of more detailed 

- Indeed, there's an expectation of being someway rewarded every now and then. To know 
I'm at least on some track. Not that I'd know for sure it's the right, but it's impossible to know 
100 %, anyway.

- What do you count as rewards in this context?

- To its minimum, having a solid fling at least once in a few years. To feel the tingle, to have something beautiful to look at, and at least modestly pleasant to communicate with.

- Ever having felt that impatience is starting to override? 

- Indeed. How about you, what's your fuel?

- Most of the time, my reward is in careful avoidance of relationships, where I would be 
squeezed into the pigeon-hole of being just a pawn in a game - whether it's his better social 
image or self-importance. I must also add that vocal declarations of love in their obscurity 
indeed are no due compensation for being imprisoned to conform. Freedom from all that is 
quite gratifying. And the frequent solitude adjacent to all this -  it's really not that bad.

- Duly noted. 

January 11, 2019

Cavemen 2018

They're back. 

So here comes the Annual Review of Idiotism.

It's not as if I hadn't ever said something stupid. And it most specifically is not that one 
couldn't make a similar list of women (see ref. earlier blogposts regarding my female friends). 
I'm also not suggesting, that stupidity would be an objectively assessed condition. 

I am, however, suggesting that the comments quoted below - very distinctively - lack wisdom.


-"Just look at that chubby woman running over there to reach a shelter.  It's pouring 
rain! Why bother running with that much overweight? If she walked instead, she'd 
still get equally wet."

How very insightful. So one stranger in the vicinity is chubby, and it makes the headlines. 
Talk about a massively useless comment making ears bleed. Also, considering the figure 
of the man who said this, it was the proverbial pot-calling-the-kettle. 

Such a waste of words. 


-"So you don't believe the official theory? But rather, you let your position be 
influenced by some, what internet-gurus, who probably jerk off by their computer babbling 
about these wild theories?"

Lo and behold. A comment so fantastically void of intellect it's hanging at the lowest bar.

A suggestion, that any dissidents would be the odd wankers of the web, only adds one 
more reason to keep on doubting the official report. I've never understood the logic, 
that by simply adding a label of a wanker would suffice as due criticism. Instead, I'd 
rather say, it must take one to know one.

Quite poetic in fact, how once again the blinding fumes of arrogance cloud judgement. 
No chance in hell I'm ever debating this dude again. It's no loss for either one, I'm sure.


-"Have you been receiving a lot of interest from men?"

To a confident thinker the female preferences of fellow lads are inconsequential. But to an 

insecure bloke the mind is as idle as it is keen on borrowing opinions from elsewhere. 
Such a thoroughly pointless question is the signature move of a crowd-pleaser. 

It's occasions like this, that I take enormous pleasure in making me and my life sound as 
unattractive as possible.

Think for yourselves, gents - it pays off handsomely


-"I'm sure my veins are popping just like those of a competitive athlete. I mean, it's 
just that I have quite the biceps."

What is so obviously very big, needs no further introductions. If given nonetheless, no 
interest remains.


-"Hi there! Are you working or on a holiday? The latter for me. Listen, I'm thinking of coming 
over to your city during this holiday of mine. Fancy a two-night meet at your place, starting tonight?"

I'm simply overwhelmed by the apparent consideration of making a due notice so well ahead!

As privileged as I may deem to be by being friends with him, the courtesy does not extend to 
accepting a self-proclaimed invitation to enter my home, literally within hours, for a duration 
chosen unilaterally by him. The offer was hence declined.


-"So, I'm thinking a few movies this weekend at your place?"

Seriously. Is this a bringing-up issue? I'd find immense difficulties inviting myself to other 
people's homes. 

Makes me wonder if men think this is confidence. Well, I find it arrogant. Granted, 
the line can be both subjective and vague, but still - it's home we're talking about. A man 
inviting himself to a woman's home is like he's saying "I'm deciding for you when it is ok for 
me to enter your privacy, and the time is now."


A man took five days to decide the restaurant for a strictly platonic meet, but then after that 
ultimately failed to set up the date-time -axis in the following 1,5 weeks he had vacation left. 
After the fall-out, and on the last day of his vacation, a message chimed:

-"Yeah, so I guess our catch-up meal didn't quite follow through. Probably should take a 
rain-check at some weekend, when I'm back in the city again."

Erm, no. No obligations here. Why not just admit the obvious lack of interest? Taking me for 
an idiot is actually him making one of himself


Occasionally, while bicycling, I go pass a gent. Often it's the other way around, but 
to a limit I like my speed, so the opposite also occurs. When passing a pair of testicles, 
soon after they seem to get more vigor to their cycling. What's more, is that they tend to 
abuse my stopping to red lights as an opportunity to have their revenge, ignore the red 
and pass by me to claim back whatever they think is involved - in the sequence of bike 
drivers. I'm afraid to even think.

A text message arrives.

-"Hey, I just saw you on the street driving a bike. Didn't you notice me walking? Turn back 
and let's go and have some tea or coffee."

Will you just look at this miraculous piece of absolutely priceless logic

Here's a wild revelation: whether on a bike or by foot, I really do not pay attention to the 
faces of people on the street. Their lines of movement, yes, but not their appearances. It's 
primarily a safety issue. It should not be of surprise, that due to different speeds, pedestrians 
as the slower of the two have more time to observe bikers than vice versa.

Secondly, when going somewhere, my phone is in my bag. It's never in my sight, let alone 
my hand. This, again, is a safety issue. The societal slot for the idiots concentrating on their 
phone while in traffic, is quite occupied already. Also, surely enough I do not keep the volume 
level high enough to hear the variety of its chimes through traffic noise. 

Thirdly, this is not exactly the makings of an offer too irresistible to refuse: not one question 
of whether or not I could possibly be available for such a short-notice meet. Instead, 
at first a faintly accusatory 'didn't you notice me, since I noticed you', immediately followed 
by a command (not a request) to turn back. 

I ultimately responded, as I noticed the message some 40 min after it was sent. Due to 
a sincere lack of desire to meet on these terms, I declined and wished him well. 

Here's an alternative:

"Hey, I happened to see you at the street just now. Would you be up for a meet - if not today 
then perhaps later?"

Less fuss, less ego, even less letters used. 


Judging by these I should be adding a few more decades to the already long future duration 
of my looming spinsterhood.  It's nothing personal. I just lack the necessary machinery 
to produce enough sympathy and understanding for battling with these forces as 
I'm still stuck at the elementary 'why' or 'what possible purpose would that serve' in all 

December 23, 2018



Snow and freezing cold prevail, together. And during Christmas! 
My favorite time of the year. 

As all four seasons have their characteristic, majestic ambience, winter 
gets under my skin unlike the rest. The dominant serenity, silence and light 
reflecting - paradoxically compared to other seasons - from trees and earth make 
winter the holiest time of the year. Whilst normally light has only one origin and 
very little reflectors, during winter, practically any surface in nature may become 
a servant for brightness. As if the source of light had come closer itself.

A further miracle is the fact that in winter, tiny droplets of water assume a 
diamond-like shine with a symmetric hexagon-shape, yet each being unique. 
By covering whatever has come on its way as flakes of snow fall down, 
nature overthrows anything that stands manmade: the top layer on any 
object now is by forces of nature. 

There are some personal reasons for my deep attachment to cold and snowy 
winters up here in the North. 

Cold drives some conflicts, misbehavior and misdemeanors inside - to more 
confined spaces. In a way, it may be safer and more organized outside during winter. 
(The same goes for dense showers of rain, as well: it drives people back to their 
manmade caves.) It's as if people preferred their attacks of drama in an easily 
manageable weather.

Despite the fact that cold-exposure - within certain limits - has a range of health 
effects, a fresh layer of snow has been a savior. It was an early morning's 
light snowfall many years ago, that exposed a then-companion's deception. 
Imprints of high-heels walking towards his house door stood as proof of it, 
further confirmed by a subsequent, utterly irrational (but thereby virtually 
guilt-admitting) denial.

It is at winter, when my regard about nature as the sole focus of highest regard and 
holiness comes to its peak. I am a sucker for a good story, and indeed, the limited 
shelves at my humble abode are over-flooding with a variety of captivating or 
promising narratives. As it's Christmas, this may serve as an example of such 
thrills: replace the lyric references to humane figures with Nature, and I've sang 
the song as I should. As much substance and meaning as human creations inject 
to our lives, for me, there cannot be a brighter and stronger grace than all things 
not crafted by a fellow being. That's the distinction I make between what is precious 
and what is holy.

What I am sad about, is that the royalty of nature, particularly the privilege of 
having a home amidst four seasons, and all the livelihood they offer (not just 
us but an entire range of species), gets so often overlooked as barely anything much 
more than some tapestry embroidering the scenery. 

When in fact our lives depend on its forces beyond ours. 

December 17, 2018


We all need our peace. 

My fuel for it is in experiences characteristically private.

I don't think I've ever felt a greater attraction towards many things musical, biblical and physical. And that's saying something, since all of them have been in some ways essential in my life. However. Now they all give me comfort and harmonious ambience of nature unfelt before. 

Although, upon admittance, there are certain forces providing acceleration for it. 

Firstly, years 2013-2017 were more or less tumultuous - in an extent I've yet to reach a sufficient mood for writing about very much. During this time serenity did not last longer than few months at a time. Thereby, year 2018 has been calmer than said predecessors. There's been more room to breathe, and time to choose.

Secondly, by the increasing solace I find from arts and physical exertions, the less inclination I feel towards socializing. And the longer and further this goes on, the more difficult it gets to step off the wagon. To aggravate this matter worse, simultaneous aging brings about hints of ignorance over the matter. With older age comes less and less interest in upholding certain public image. Whatever may be lost by spending time with arts and the like, it seems distinctively worthwhile.

Thirdly, no matter how short, any encounters of unsuspectingly affectionate nature I could not reciprocate are deeply disconcerting. There are not many themes I find utterly inappropriate and pointless for either writing about in further detail or conversing over. This instance is the designated room-with-only-corners of communication. And I am no friend to it. I'd rather spend my limited time in circumstances worthy of writing about. What ends up as a text - regardless of the non-existence of its reader-base - has in any case surpassed a high a number of filters and decision protocols, that they merit very little apology. Detail in length the praise received, and the further it gets, the less excuses there are for it.

There's always something more useful to do.

December 15, 2018


Waking up is a conflict. 

Just like an early rise in the morning kills the serenity of the preceding night, waking up 
to a realization is just as well a minor war.

After all, who wouldn't be tempted to continue in serenity and standstill? 

There are two types of wake-ups: those served by others, and those by thyself.
Interestingly, the self-sufficiency of a person is only limited to waking up in the mornings 
from nightly hibernation. Very little realizations can be achieved in isolation

The wake-ups served by others yield most results, but are also the costliest. 

It's difficult to forget a person, who woke me up. But the accompanying rain of 
conflict, pushing out chaos, often feels encouragement enough to discontinue. 
And yet not one can exist without the other. To fully organize later is to accept mess first.

This is the only explanation I've come up with to understand, why I've felt a recurring 
pull towards certain conflicts, and also, felt awkwardly unsafe in a continuum of agreement.

Recently, after years of gap in between, I watched the 2005 film version of Jane Austen's 
Pride and Prejudice. I had already given away the film a few years ago as I considered it no 
longer relevant. But some days ago, I bumped into it while watching tv, felt difficulty and 
reluctance in turning it off, and I remembered, why I had liked it so much. I've seen it 
probably more than a dozen times.

I guess there's always something poignant about that piece. The mastery of Lizzie Bennet 
in her endeavors of sincerity indeed deserve repeated visits. An extra achievement 
is undeniably the fact that she was created by a woman living in the 1700-1800's. And here 
we are, some 200 years later, seeing the ever-timely nature of it. Indeed, people are still 
stifled by inferiority or superiority of birth, or ranks. 

One key plot line is to observe, how a superior birth line may translate to a ridiculously 
inferior behavior. And vice versa.

And as to Mr. Darcy, he encapsulates what I most respect in a man: sturdy sense of loyalty 
to those carefully selected worthy of it, a benevolent disregard of common opinion as well as 
blank traditions, and a conspicuously honest disposition,  yielding credible asymmetry and 
an intensely masculine character. 

One may forgive an absence of a number of desirable virtues, but without said truth-fueled 
intensity there's not much left. 

To requests to settle for something else in a companion I'd reply by the words of Miss Bennet:

I will not and I certainly never shall.

October 27, 2018


There's this worn-out saying: "Once you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow".

That's not entirely untrue. However, there's a distinct flavor of aggression that's, sadly, a contemporary tune in some women a bit too ideological about their womanhood. Nonetheless, it's the obvious obsession over leadership that makes this phrase a poor direction for relationships.

I'd rather revise it to this: 

Once you let them have their balls, their hearts and minds will thrive anywhere.

However. What men themselves choose to do with their balls, is entirely another matter. 
Some men not only allow but long to be defined by their women, starting at the status of having one.

Other men define themselves first, and assume no further status based on the company they keep.